Three weeks ago today I was flying somewhere over Canada on my way to Ireland, my dream trip, a 48 year dream. I have met some amazing people and I have done a lot of “firsts” I have crossed things off my bucket list and been awed by the landscape of this country and amazed at the people I have met, but there is one thing I never really betted on, and that is being homesick. I knew I would miss home, but to actually feel homesick is a bit of a surprise.
I don’t ever remember being homesick before, or I should say “felt” homesick before. I my have been homesick in the past, but being so disconnected from my emotions, I never felt them. so yes, at the ripe age of 58, for the 1st time in my life, I am feeling homesick, and it has hit me like a ton of bricks, but I am told this shall pass.
I have tried to write different blogs here, but I realized today that until I write the truth of where I am, nothing else is going to come forward. I also realize that I have to be authentic in my writing, and traveling solo is not all smiles that I have posted on Facebook.
I have read a bit in travel books about missing home, but none have really gone into what it feels like to be homesick. That may also be because these folks had normal upbringings and went through this when they were kids, and got through it.
Homesickness is not a nice feeling, its more then longing and missing things you are use to, like your own shower or bed. your regular walks, coffee shops etc. Its more then missing the scenery and friends, family and those you love. Of course there is the emotional side, but there is also the physical part of it. For 3 mornings in a row I have woken up shaky, nauseous and can not swallow more then tea and toast in the morning. My neck hurts, my shoulders are stressed and I have not been sleeping great. I have been awake for the last 3 mornings between 2:00 am- 5:00 am and having broken sleep. I have been feeling anxiety and panic, and of course as you all know me, this brings up past stuff, issues, fears etc. Nope, they don’t write about this in the travel books.
But, as hard as this has been for me, and believe me it has. There have been moments I have had to just focus on my breathing and telling myself I will get through it, and yes I have cried , and cried hard. But there is an up side to this. I am “feeling homesick” , the operative word is “feeling”. For so many,many years I was numb and felt nothing, or afraid of emotions, so pushed them aside. So the fact that I am feeling what I am feeling is a good thing. This has also taught me that I am more connected to so many people and places in my life then I realized. And in a way, allowing myself to feel like shit, or as they say here “shite” it shows me how far I have come, how much I am loved, and how much I love others.
They say travel changes a person, funny how I had to travel through 8 time zones, and over 7000 km to find out how much I really am connected to home.
To help myself get through this I will stay connected to my family and friends, I have been in email contact with my therapist, and I need to make self care the #1 priority, which for me, means rest, walk, write, and write some more.
Thanks for joining me on this journey, and lets see what the next discovery is