September is here. Overhead, the Canada Geese are flying in almost perfect formation -of course there always a few – the days and nights are cooler- and now wetter, and for me this is a time of reflection.
For some folks, September is a start of new activities, be it school, sports etc, but I look back and see that it has always been hard for me to jump into any new activity during this month, be its sports, singing, new hobbies etc. So for me, September is a time of quiet reflection, rest, and introspection, even more so this year.
I am still processing my Epic Irish Odyssey, and all I have learned. I am happy to say that since my last post I have been able to write a bit more, my brain seems to be coming back on line, and I have moments where I have some energy. And the processing continues.This is not something I can rush, as much as I want to, but some observations and realizations have been rising to the top of my consciousness.
Last week I was in the car with one of my sisters, we were going on a 2 day road trip- It was an amazing time. For some reason I started talking about my Outward Bound Canada, Women of Courage programs. I have in fact, through this program, been to some of the most beautiful areas in Canada. Canoeing in Algonquin park, hiking in the Selkirk, and Rocky Mountains, hiking and standing on the very tip of the magical and wild area on Vancouver Island. Now I have known I have done all of this, what was different , was the fact that as I spoke and reminisced, each trip was no longer a separate, fractured event. Now when I pull them up in my memory, they are as a group, a whole, I have never been able to do this before.
Its hard to explain, but I will try….
Think of an pre-school or early elementary school child, learning to group and categorize things. They have small coloured markers on the table, along with small plastic coloured bears, and cats etc. They learn that the animals belong in a group, the markers another. Then they learn each animal has its own grouping etc….then the teacher mixes them all up again, spreads them on the table. Its the same objects, but they are mixed up, but now the child can understand that one plastic cat, can be grouped with the other plastic cat, without having to physically put them together, if that makes any sense.
I guess you can say my brain is learning to group events in my life, no longer are they separate, fractured bits of information. This is pretty new, and pretty amazing to me. Who would have known Ireland would do this to me!
I have also come to other realizations. While my friend Sherry was in Ireland with me , I was amazed at the amount of information she could remember and retain. Be it information from a walking tour, place we visited or directions. I knew my memory was bad- but much better then it had been, I have no sense of direction and could get lost in a paper bag, and I have a hard time reading any map and orienting myself.
While in Ireland, my brain saw all these struggles, as separate fractured events, but now with this new ability, to see things as a whole, or in groups, I see how hard it is for me to do any of the above, and I will most likely struggle in these areas for the rest of my life. That’s a bit of a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes reality bites, but it is needed for growth. I know over the next week or so, I will have more unpleasant realizations, and the enormity and affect these have had on my life, – but thats OK, because thats how I learn to look at it, acknowledge it and move on.
In fact, a couple times today I was really grumpy, irritable and I knew it had nothing to do with the present moment -well, actually it took me a few minutes to figure it out, but I caught on. This grumpiness and irritability is seeing the unpleasant realizations, no longer as fractured, separate incidents, but I now see them as a group or whole- what I mean by this is that when I saw them as fractured separate events, I did not see the cumulative affect of the trauma, its like all these dots are connection and new realizations are coming and me on all directions. And with new realizations come new adjustments. But that is the magic of the brain, it only lets you realize and deal with, what you are ready to deal with. So, I guess I’m ready for this.
As hard as this is- there is the flip side, and that is I can also now see the cumulative affects of all the positive connections I have had throughout my life, be it big small, or those micro connections. Not just in my past, but also those connections in my present life. And, once again when I see the positive connections I have with folks, it also reminds me of what I did not have, and that too is an adjustment and can be a hard pill to swallow, but this is all growth.
I went to Ireland, because it called me all these years, I had no idea how much the land would heal me. It allowed me to discover and retrieve a piece of myself. I have come back a much more whole, healthier and stronger person. The journey was not all roses, and there were some really hard times. I have been processing since I have been back, and yes there have been some hard truths that have risen to the surface, but I have and will continue to work through them, because I know I can.
I was speaking of this to someone the other day and they asked me if I had regrets about going to Ireland, because of the hard truths that are arising. Would I have been better to not know. Of course my answer was no, I have no regrets about my trip to Ireland, it has helped me find myself and helped heal me on such a deep , deep level, that is hard to explain.
And that magical land, continues to help me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. It, and my ancestors continue to gift me, even though I am 7000 km away. It is a land of magic, of depth, and of felt sense. It is powerful, restorative and continues to fuel my heart and soul. How could I regret any of that.
I will continue on this flight path of mine, I will make adjustments, and at times will miscalculate, and not be ” in formation” I will miss cues, and need relief, but I will continue on.
Thanks for continuing on this journey with me, and staying as I discover more to come…